FIREWORKS & THE FIRE ANTS-IN-YOUR-PANTS DANCE

  • Published
  • By Tim Barela
  • Torch Magazine
San Antonio, TX --  A 24-year-old senior airman from San Antonio bought more than $400 worth of fireworks to hold his own private fireworks display for the upcoming Fourth of July holiday. About a week before the big event, he decided to cull a small handful of bottle rockets from his mini-explosives stash to take care of a fire ant problem while putting a little smoke in the sky.

In truth, the Airman knew launching bottle rockets from a fire ant mound would not eradicate the ants from his lawn. But, if he could have a little pre-holiday fireworks display while frying several nuisance insects along the way, what would it hurt?

So that night, just after dark, he sauntered out into the yard armed with a fistful of bottle rockets and a long-nozzle gas lighter. He thrust the stabilizing guide stick of the firecracker into a rather large ant mound, lit the fuse of the attached rocket and stepped back about 10 feet to watch the entertaining show.

But when the fuse burned down and the gas from the rocket "engine" spewed flame, the bottle rocket did not go airborne as planned. The Airman had jammed it too far in the packed mound, and it was stuck. It blew up with a loud bang and sent dirt, sand and more than a few ants in all directions.

Realizing his miscalculation, the Airman immediately "deployed" another bottle rocket. This time he didn't shove it nearly as far into the dirt.

As he leaned over to light the fuse, he stopped abruptly.

Wide-eyed and yelling obscenities, he dropped the lighter and started doing the ants-in-your-pants dance, which consisted of hopping around wildly while slapping at his feet and legs.

In the cloak of darkness, the ant colony had quickly and fiercely launched a full-fledged counterattack that reached well beyond their mound. Since the Airman only wore shorts, flip-flops and a T-shirt on this hot, humid Texas summer night, it didn't take long for the swarming army to deliver multiple bites and stings.

Fire ants first bite with strong mandibles to latch onto their victim. They then deliver an attention-getting sting from their abdomen. They don't come by their name lightly either, as their venomous sting causes a painful burning sensation.

Panicked and hurting, the Airman ran inside his house to the master bathroom, where he stripped down and jumped in the shower to help drive away the stubborn insects. He saw several dozen stings that stretched from his toes to his lower thighs.

His lower limbs rapidly began to swell. Then he became dizzy and started shivering.

He was having an allergic reaction.

He got dressed, and his wife drove him to the emergency room. The doctor put the Airman on an antihistamine IV, and the would-be ant exterminator spent the next six hours asleep in the hospital. When he awoke at about 3 a.m., the doctor counseled him, not only for his carelessness, but also for forcing his nearly full-term pregnant wife to have to drive him to the hospital, stressing her and causing her to stay up with him all night.

Sore, weary and embarrassed, the Airman returned home. Later that morning, he tackled his ant-invader problem in a more traditional manner ... with ant poison, daylight and combat boots.